Sunday, November 19

The NFL Is Retarded

Testaverde Means Green Head
The NFL is retarded for a lot of reasons. The first reason being their reliance on an outdated, 16-game "schedule" to determine who advances to the "playoffs", with the winner of this tournament being crowned the NFL "champion" for the period of one year, or until the next "Super Bowl". Everyone knows this is a load of hogwash. At the beginning of every season, why don't they just give the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Giants? Boom. Super Bowl Champions in perpetuity. Here ya are, there ya go and how's your sister.

But the dumbest thing the NFL has done in a while, aside from making it against the law to breathe on quarterbacks, is preclude me from entering their Super Bowl ad competition by making it nearly impossible for me and about 90% of the country to enter. When they say in their ad that people will be given the chance to pitch them an idea for the greatest Super Bowl commercial of all time, they really mean it. Or meant it, as the case may be, because the contest is all but over. The last possible chance for me to pitch a commercial idea will be on December 9th in a state over 1,000 miles away. The NFL selected three locations, Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ, Texas Stadium in Dallas, TX and Invesco Field in Denver, CO to hold the contest. Well, being that I live in NYC, my only opportunity to cash in on The Greatest Super Bowl Commercial Idea Of All Time was at Giants Stadium. Unfortunately, this event was held on the 17th and 18th of November. Three simple words go a long way in describing how I feel. "What" followed by "the" and finally "fuck".

This is the dumbest, most stupidest contest of all time. Willy Wonka is rolling over in his fictional grave it's so stupid. Has the NFL ever heard of the internet? Clearly not (a quick look at the layout of their website will confirm that they have, believe it or not, not heard of the internet). I mean, why couldn't people submit their ideas over the internet? Oh, wait, sorry gang, we just covered that.

The Greatest Commercial Mind Of All Time will just have to wait for some other ad contest to unleash The Greatest Super Bowl Commercial Idea Of All Time, because true to its title, the GSBCIOAT can sell anything. Even AIDS. Yeah, that's how good it is. So, yes, what I'm saying is...if there's a contest for the greatest AIDS commercial of all time, this same Super Bowl idea would still win. Don't ask me why the GSBCIOAT ends with the line, "It's positively AIDS-tastic." It just does and it works. You'd have to see it. Way to go, NFL. Missin' your big shot to be inexorably linked to AIDS.

I'd also like to point out that the NFL set a very low bar by stipulating that the potential commercial would be "the NFL's" greatest spot ever. NFL commercials suck, but for the shots of actual football they show. It's really not that hard to come up with a better commercial than Don Cheadle reading a monologue over punch-you-in-the-face music. Unless you hate Don Cheadle and are on shrooms, and so when you watch the commercial you imagine yourself punching Don Cheadle in the face. Then, it'd probably be pretty hard to make a commercial you'd judge to be better.

Blog Self-Critique:
I didn't think this would be any good and then it wasn't. One for one. But then again, this blog is mostly read by chicks and I think they'll dig it anyway, because chicks dig everything I do. Two for two. Somehow I knew I was lying when I typed that last sentence. Three for three. Alright!
Brian's rating: 4/11 Should I Have Even Bothered To Pick This Baby Back Up Agains



Anonymous greg louganis said...

The answer is undeniably yes. Your sketch comedy group should perform the commercial, that is, if you are performing as the special guest at the next AIDS benefit. Can you get up in the next month?

1:06 AM, November 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Why not have the NFL commercial audition over the internet? Because that's not how casting couches work.

Speaking of which, there's a 4th tryout for the greatest nfl commercial of all time. It's in the sleeper cab of my Kenworth at the Gas N' Go.

Don't worry about bringing props I've got plenty.


1:04 PM, December 01, 2006  
Anonymous Sister Mary Collins said...

I bet when you get dressed in the morning, it's like a really sexy backwards strip show. Did you know porn music played in reverse sounds like liturgical music?

9:41 AM, December 23, 2006  
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3:52 PM, February 06, 2007  

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