Wednesday, August 16

Punchline: Tom Hanks' Forgotten Opus

Random Celebrity Photo Caption Attack!

"So then I said, 'Well, if I'm cheese, white women are mice!'"

Genesis (Was Not A Very Good Band)
So, I did my first set of stand-up this Sunday at Mo Pitkins in the East Village. It went really well. If really well means having seven of your friends and ten weirdos in stitches. Actually, I have no idea how it went, but for what my friends (who were probably lying to make me feel better about recently being rejected by a girl with no arms) said after the performance:

"Way to go," said Greg.

"Hilarious," said Joe.

"I would have liked to have seen more nudity...and young boys," said Incorrigible Father Patrick.

To be honest, the whole thing was kind of like when Will Ferrell debates Jimmy Carville in Old School. I sort of came off the stage wondering what had just happened. And maybe I blacked out a little. But that's just cuz I was insanely drunk.

Anywho, here's one of my bits from the performance. It may not be pure comedy gold, but it's at least pure comedy myrrh.

Aforementioned Stand-Up Comedy Routine
I’ve been having a lot of trouble lately with how gay I’ve become. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Ya know, I think there’s a little Christopher or Patrick in all of us. But there comes a point in every metrosexual’s life, usually en route to a hassle free hand job on the Upper West Side, when he thinks, wait a minute, what the fuck team am I playing for here? It’s really an issue of my percentages were getting too high.

See, I used to quote my gayness at 20%. I have a flair for aesthetics that just won’t quit. Given a dust ruffle I will complete a room. But then I started noticing things that forced me to bump it up to like 36% gay. I started complimenting women on their pants. Ya know, referring to things, other than girls, as being cute. “Oh my God, that is such a cute bag. Where did you get it?” Things like this were creeping out of my mouth, while maybe a few other things were creeping in, if ya know what I’m sayin’. So, partially out of denial and partially to help all the metrosexuals out there, I’ve started thinking of gayness in terms of milkfat.

Whereas out of 100%, I was once 36% gay. In the jolly old land of milkfat, I am 1% gay. Back when I was 20% percent? Yeah, skim gay. Whole gay, 2% gay, there are many colors in the gay milk rainbow.

And people come up to me and they say, "Hey, Brian, how do I know what kind of milk I should be drinking?" It’s very simple.

If you own a lufa. Skim gay.

If you’ve misplaced numerous lufas up your ass. Whole gay.

If your preferred choice of bathing suit is a banana hammock. Skim gay.

If you refer to your asshole as The Banana Hammock. Whole gay.

If your idea of a fun night out is a couple appletinis and some making out, with a girl. Skim gay.

If your idea of a fun night is a couple appletinis and anal sex in the bathroom of an Arby’s with a she-male named Glen, ya know what, that’s not even whole gay. That’s just weird.

Ya know, if you’re doing stuff like shaving another man’s balls and then sprinkling the shavings on a salad with a little homemade creamy Italian, I can’t help you. That’s some heavy cream. And everyone knows, heavy cream is gross.

Blog Self Critique:
Brian's rating: 5.6/11 Someone told me this week I'd never make it to elevens!



Anonymous Nigel Tufnel said...

I believe that was me, Nigel Tufnel, and I stand by it.

12:35 AM, August 18, 2006  
Blogger kelly said...

I think your funny... I would love it if you would comment on my cute pants or bag. SKIM GAY IS OK!

6:47 AM, August 18, 2006  
Blogger Ryan said...

What about Butter Gay?

4:32 PM, August 28, 2006  
Anonymous comedy douche said...

I was expecting a 'chocolate gay' joke. Too predictable? perhaps a Nesquicky?

12:49 PM, September 12, 2006  
Anonymous comedy douche said...

come to think of it, what about 'powdered gay' and 'long-life gay'(gay that has been irradiated).

10:41 PM, September 12, 2006  

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