Tuesday, August 22

Are you a Hulk-A-Maniac?

Random Celeb Photo Caption Attack!

Hey, Pete Doherty. Drugs called and said they'd rather not be associated with you.

Fragen und Antworten (Question and Answer)[As Promised]
Iantabee asks...
Why do you think rollarskating [sic] (as sport or creative expression) has fallen out of fashion and do you think we can expect a resurgence any time soon?

Brian says...
I think the best place to look for your answer is at the source, founder of rollerskating and German, Edward J. Rollarskaten. He famously sponsored a contest in the mid-60s in which five golden skate-keys were packaged with his own brand of skates, Der Skaten. All the children of Europe bought rollerskates in hopes of finding a key and winning the prize, a $100 gift card at Red Lobster.

Brief Aside w/r/t Red Lobster and the 1960s
In December 1963, Red Lobster Deutschland had created a contest of its own called "Wie rot is deine Lobster?" (How red is your lobster?), which asked customers to provide photos of their nether regions dressed up as a lobster, with the prize for winning a $25 gift card at Sizzler. See, the head of PR at Red Lobster knew he was going to be fired for "some bullshit" (he was schtupping the CEO's wife, which, admittedly to many [CEO included] is far graver an offense than connoted by the phrase "some bullshit") and as revenge he developed the contest in secret with the hope of ruining Red Lobster's image. After a brief uproar, however, scandal inevitably led to sensation. In 1964, most parents were forbidding their teenage sons and daughters to be seen anywhere near a Red Lobster and we all know what happens when you tell a teenager or parapalegic they can't do something (they go out and achieve and in doing so, inspire!) Well, needless to say, by the summer of '65 Red Lobster was officially the coolest place a teenager could find himself.

The socio-cultural climate of Europe being what it was at the time, Rollarskaten's skate-key contest moved rollerskating from fad to fantastich overnight. Merchants couldn't keep them on the shelves. Public parks all over the world were redesigned to accomodate the craze (Christo has long credited this near instant alteration of public space as the seedling for his life's work). In 1976, rollerskating (both dance and sprint) became an Olympic sport. The popularity of rollerskating remained strong through the 1980s. Who can forget those pictures of a rugged, virile Ronald Reagan chopping wood, resplendent in cowboy hat and Chicago Quad Rollers? Sadly, it was another US president who would bring the Age of Skate to an end. Eager to win votes away from hip upstart, Bill Clinton, President George Bush sought to attract the youth of America to his '92 campaign. But, what was sure to be a powerful photo-op turned ugly when, while touring the factory of Phantom Rollerblades, Bush upchucked his ill-advised Taco Bell lunch straight into a size 11 Derby Special. Powerful photo-op indeed! Rollerskating never recovered.

Sadly, Iantabee, I don't think rollerskating will ever make a comeback. Now that Dean Kamen has created the SegWay, rollerskating is for pussies.

No children would pose for this photo out of shame. They hired an illustrator who was given only one direction; "Draw a kid rollerskater". Look! He couldn't help but draw a total pussy!

Okay, this kid is flanked by two black dudes (the ultimate in cool!) and he STILL looks like a huge pussy!

Do you want to be a pussy, Iantabee? I didn't think so.

Blog Self-Critique:
Brian had fun with this and he really thinks it shows. If you are the parent of the chubby Asian boy above, sorry Brian called your kid a pussy. (But, c'mon). In truth, Brian grew up enjoying the heck out a good skate at the Florham Park Roller Rink (Though he was once made to sit a song out by the "referee" for simultaneously jumping and skating. In Brian's defense, the song being played at the time was House of Pain's Jump Around. Remember that? Those fuckin' referees? "Hey, if you don't, ya know, skate around in a circle, in the same direction everyone else is going, I'm gonna blow this whistle. And, then, who'll be Mr. Cool Guy, then?"). Life was good. Technology was improving. Rollerblades were rad. His high school years were spent playing a fair amount of rollerhockey at something called Yode Arena. This was during breaks from romancin' the high school ladies in his bedroom, or as Brian liked to call it, "Chode Arena".
Brian's rating: 6.8/11 Triple Zings!



Anonymous Amy said...

Hi Brian,

I love that you used a sic.... And that you were punished for simultaneously "jumping and skating." I myself was once punished for being overzealous with my zipper pantomime during a song in which my first grade class learned about clothing fasteners.

Apparantly extending your 'zipper' from the very bottom of your crotch to the top of your head is incredibly offensive...

Fuckin' referees.

Your friend,

7:34 PM, August 23, 2006  
Anonymous Rollergirl said...

Your favorite store, American Appearal, has been showcasing a sweet roller skating film to the passersby on the street recently. So the question is, if rolller skating made a comeback because of said showcasing, would you be down with it or would you refuse to join the too-short-porn-short-on-wheels crowd? (your legs would look hot in those shorts...)

3:39 PM, August 24, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it just me or is the rollerskate drawing both perspiring and peeing his pants?

11:42 AM, June 27, 2007  

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